(tick as applicable)

• …get everything you want from Santa
• …finally successfully enact your assassination plan against the hated Père Noël and his elven minions
• …spend treasured time with your wonderful family
• …manage to avoid the machinations of your despised loved ones
• …eat all of your favourite foods until you’re fit to burst
• …drink your protein shake and stare disdainfully at your gluttonous fellows
• …watch Star Wars without getting spoiled
• …manage to get everyone to shut up about Star Wars for five minutes
• …share the joy and laughter of the season with friends and coworkers
• …see the time of your ascension come to pass, watching the world burn from your mountainside fortress as you enter your golden sarcophagus and begin the ritual
• …see a reindeer
• …defeat a reindeer in single combat
• …experience the true warmth of friendship and camaraderie, away from the commercial excess that has come to define Christmas
• …bring me a sprite

Or whatever else you’re hoping to get out of the holiday season. I don’t want to limit your options here. Do what you feel is right.

See you next Tuesday for the next real article, and then three days later when I desperately try to come up with something to ring in the new year.